I need counseling, but...?

I'm scared to ask for it. I used to be very depressed to the point of cutting when I was 12-14. I got over it when I got help, but I made my mom sick with worry and I don't want my mom to be scared that I'm back to the point I was then, because I'm not. But I feel like I'm getting there, and I really need to talk to someone. I'm not really happy or sad, I'm just meh. I have thoughts of suicide but they're not serious. I have dreams for my future which I've already worked on accomplishing. But I still have strong urges to cut sometimes. I manage to ignore them but I want to get RID of them. I'm extremely lonely, even though I have friends, I can't talk to them about this kind of stuff. I'm a closeted lesbian and I feel like I'm betraying everyone I love and myself by not being honest with them about me, but I live in a rural (and homophobic) area where everyone knows everybody and I'm not brave enough to be honest. It's one of those situations where you can't decide what to do because either way you go, the cons outweigh the pros...any way I need and want help but I don't want to worry my mom by asking for it, can I go see a counselor without her? I'm 16, I can drive myself, probably even pay for it, but I don't want to cause any drama or worry my mom. I just want to get discreet help! Is it possible?